For Your Consideration

Bus Rules

2010-10-20T22:36:00.000-07:00

You're not allowed to eat, drink or smoke on the bus. Judging by the smell though, peeing on the bus is just fine.

Thank Heaven for Disclaimers

2010-10-11T20:49:00.000-07:00

The picture on the carton of ice cream indicated that the ice cream would be in perfectly round scoops inside a white bowl. To my surprise, when I opened the carton this was not the case. I was about to call and complain when I saw the disclaimer on the carton that the round scoops and the white bowl were just a "serving suggestion." That calmed me right down.

Retire Often

2010-02-09T21:29:00.000-08:00

I always tell people that I plan to retire at 40. By that I mean I plan to "re-tire" my car after 40,000 miles. It's not a very ambitious goal, but it promotes safety and minimizes wear-and-tear.

Deception in the Film Industry

2010-01-03T20:53:00.000-08:00

Romantic comedies would have you believe that 99% of Americans are architects, journalists, book publishers, or advertising agents. This is deceiving--the true number of Americans with these jobs is only about 96%. Also, the idea of a kooky best friend is just not realistic. Most people's best friends are pretty normal.

Ample Jacks

2009-09-09T16:53:00.000-07:00

I'm going to create a breakfast cereal called "Ample Jacks." They will compete with Apple Jacks in quantitative terms.

This Product Should Not Exist

2009-08-17T19:24:00.001-07:00

There are hundreds of reasons why this product should not exist. The most glaring one: if you see this in the store and you can actually think of somebody who needs it, maybe that person shouldn't be driving anymore.

Contents:
1 yellow crayon
1 6-foot measuring tape
1 pen
1 "Protocol" brand disposable camera (with flash)
1 nylon carrying case

"In the event of an accident, you can entertain yourself while you wait for the police by drawing pictures with the crayon, measuring your biceps, and taking fun pictures of you and your victim which you can later develop at your own expense! Don't forget to get double prints for the victim's family!"

*Afterthought: Maybe this product is designed to help you get into accidents?

For Adam

2009-08-17T19:13:00.001-07:00

Came across this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity in Portland. Unfortunately I didn't have any pennies at the time. (By the way, Oregon doesn't have sales tax. That means if you only have 100 bucks to spend on pogs, you get exactly 10,000 pogs.)

Also, for the observant reader, one of these things is not a pog. Try to guess which one it is.

To My Readers (all three of you).

2009-07-13T21:52:00.000-07:00

I just realized that the recent Place In My Heart post is actually a variation on a thought I did a little while ago about Legos. I guess I forgot I posted the Legos one. I apologize for not providing new material. You deserve better.

A Special Place in My Heart

2009-07-08T22:53:00.000-07:00

Whenever somebody tells me "there will always be a place in my heart for you," I'm like, "what are you talking about!?" I mean, when you think about it, the only thing your heart really has a place for is blood, or maybe a pacemaker.

Store-Bought Will Do Just Fine

2009-03-15T17:04:00.000-07:00

Product inventors, designers, and infomercial writers grossly overestimate my desire to grow my own tomatoes.

Considerate Giants

2009-03-12T11:09:00.000-07:00

Giants probably have unwritten laws about going into the ocean and plucking submarines out of the water. We can certainly assume that they understand and respect the delicate balance of forces that allows human life to be supported in an underwater environment. If so, thanks giants.

Take What You Can Get

2009-02-28T19:54:00.000-08:00

I'm not what you would call a "peacemaker." I'm really more of a "peacetaker." In other words, I'm not necessarily going out of my way to make peace, but if other people are making it, sure, I'll take some. Same goes for homes and trouble.

Not Very Sentimental

2009-02-28T19:49:00.000-08:00

There will always be a special place deep down inside me for Legos; and when I say this I don't mean it in a figurative sentimental way. When I was 5 I accidentally inhaled a bunch of Legos, and the doctor couldn't get them out of my lungs.

People Are So Negative.

2009-02-19T18:20:00.000-08:00

The problem with people these days is that they're always focusing on other people's problems. They're always like "the problem with people is...", and then they say something totally negative. I hate people like that. I also hate when people can't stop talking about things that bug them. That just really bugs me. Another thing that bugs me is cell phones.

Compliments

2009-02-10T10:49:00.000-08:00

When I go to other people's houses, I try to always compliment them on their things. For example, I might say, "this is a really nice lamp." Then to show them that I mean it, I ask, "can I have it?" Then when they tell me that I can't have it, I act really disappointed and awkward. I think this shows that I really do like their stuff and I want it, and it makes them feel really good about themselves.

Mugged.

2009-01-23T10:34:00.000-08:00

As I walked into the dark alley a disheveled man approached me. "Give me your wallet," he said as he pulled a gun out of his coat. I looked at the gun a little closer, and that's when I realized that it wasn't a real gun, but rather some kind of homemade gun constructed from dry pasta, pipe cleaners and wood glue. Upon further inspection, I noticed that his shoes where also made of pasta, and he was wearing some sort of hat made from uncooked spaghetti noodles.

I gave him my wallet anyway--he looked like he could probably throw that gun pretty hard.

Buyer Beware

2008-12-08T19:27:00.000-08:00

The good people at Taco Bell aim to please. Sometimes they aim too low and give you food poisoning.

Blouses

2008-11-19T18:35:00.000-08:00

Yes, I am a man, and yes, I have a passion for lovely blouses. Is there a conflict here? In my opinion, no. End of story.

Would You Rather, Part 1

2008-10-31T09:07:00.000-07:00

Would you rather have the ability to see five minutes into the future, or be really good friends with a powerful wizard?

Would you rather find a hair in your salad, or a salad in your hair?

Would you rather be Santa for a day, or be the internet for a day?

Would you rather be visible only to the Osmond family, or have an alarm sound every twenty minutes for the rest of your life, with no respect of the time of day, location, or social situations, and then a loudspeaker comes on and an effeminate male voice announces "somebody needs a diaper change..."?

Would you rather bowl a 300 or fish a 300?

Which sport would you rather see become popular: competitive beekeeping or competitive anger management?

Typos...

2008-10-29T20:09:00.000-07:00

Typos can cause huge mix-ups. For example, what if you were planning to go to college, but instead you went to collage for 4 years? I mean, I guess you'd be good at visual/spatial arrangements and which colors work well together, but it could really affect your career outlook.

C'mon Nabisco

2008-10-12T21:55:00.000-07:00

In my opinion, naming the crackers "Wheat Thins" indicates that somewhere out there "Wheat Thicks" are available. If that's the case, give 'em here. If that's not so, why not just call them "Wheat Crackers"?

Haircuts

2008-09-17T19:58:00.001-07:00

There are two main risks when getting a haircut:
1- you'll look dumb after you get it cut.
2-you'll look dumb while you're getting it cut.

Commonly Confused Words

2008-09-15T17:08:00.000-07:00

If you think that the words "sauce," "cream," and "ointment" are interchangeable, you're wrong--dead wrong. If you don't believe me just try ordering "spaghetti with tomato ointment" next time you're at the Pasta Emporium. If you still don't believe me, ask for a bowl of "ice sauce" at the Frozen Dairy Shack.

There's a chill in the air...

2008-09-12T22:02:00.000-07:00

...and you know what that means: turtleneck season is coming!

If you're like me, you're carefully cleaning, ironing, and sorting your turtlenecks. You're probably also cleaning and polishing your nog mug, because when turtleneck season is close, nog season is not far behind.

Cell Phone Fertogerphy

2008-08-31T18:23:00.001-07:00

Journey with me through the strange and mystical world of my cell phone picture gallery. These are the finest specimens I have managed to capture in the nine months I've had this phone...

This is what I ate before I got married. One word sums up Swanson's Microwave Dinners: "hearty."

Classic "Do Not Let Your Children Feed the Squirrels" sign.

This is some kind of robot.

For shame. Is this the best they could come up with? (One of these words is not necessary; you decide which one it is.)

"GREAT PRIZES!" For example, a CD case, or maybe this key-chain with a dollar sign on it.

This next section is devoted to some of the finer products sold at the Dollar Tree. For example, these gummy Lance-Armstrong-style inspirational wristbands. Great idea! Put a sticky treat on your skin and make a statement at the same time: "TEAM!", "BELIEVE", "CRAZY!"

For the indecisive consumer: Razzles! "First it's a candy, then it's gum!"
So much work went into designing this beautiful package. You'd think they would have spent a little more time thinking of a brand name...but "A Deck of Playing Cards" works I guess.

Turns out Dollar Tree cards are sticky...and useless.

Cheap date idea.

Can you say "mouth-watering"? This gets the award for Best Presentation of Hot Dogs.

This is what happens when you get snowed-in and have to buy dinner at Maverick. Tonight's main course consists of a BOMB foot-long burrito, hoagie sandwich (age unknown), Big Grab of Cheetos, and some sort of energy drink.

Dollar Tree's versions of popular games. Let's see if you can guess what they're spoofing. This one is called "Seabattle"...

..."Inline" looks familiar...

...and of course the family classic "Catch the Plane."

This is an ad for a church in Colorado. It's the XXX Church's ever-popular Men's Breakfast. See you there!

Gymnastics of Yore

2008-08-19T09:17:00.000-07:00

Do you remember when they used real horses for the pommel horse event? Boy, things sure have changed.

A Good Prank

2008-07-18T21:14:00.000-07:00

I think a good prank would be to build a piñata around a wasps nest, then hang it on a tree in a public area where a lot of kids will be. Maybe you could leave a stick or a bat near the tree. Then just sit back and wait.

It's also a good object lesson--it will teach children not to touch a piñata that doesn't belong to them.

Why I Love Craigslist

2008-07-15T15:02:00.000-07:00

Every now and then I like to browse the "free" category on Craigslist just to see what people are giving away. Today I found a post that I couldn't pass up:

"Two bags of things"

Naturally I rushed to contact the poster, but to my dismay both bags of things had already been claimed. This was truly a once in a lifetime chance, and I blew it.

Read the Fine Print

2008-07-14T00:31:00.000-07:00

Late night commercials are a real treat. They offer miracle products at bargain prices. Take, for example, the Teeter Inversion Table. This home-fitness product makes some pretty amazing claims regarding its benefits. It will:

Reduce back pain
Provide care and feeding for discs
Help you achieve movie-star style fitness
Train core muscles
Allow you finally ditch the wheelchair
Add 25 years to your life
Increase your sex drive
Give you hair where there was no hair before
Help you quit smoking
Make your body odor smell like "Sweet Pear"
Get you a promotion at work
Improve your car's fuel economy
Help you make new friends

...but that's when I saw the fine print every time a testimonial was played: "Extraordinary Claims. Individual results will vary." Well, at least they're being honest about it.

This is Leopardy...

2008-07-01T21:05:00.001-07:00

...A terrifying twist on a game show classic.

Thoughts on Adages

2008-06-19T09:38:00.000-07:00

They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. What I'd like to know is how I can convert this "treasure" in my garbage can into cash and buy some things that aren't trash (to me).

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, is there something I can eat daily to keep homeless people away?

Many hands make light work. Do many ears make easy listening?

Pie is not easy. Pie is difficult. Let's not sell our pie makers short. Can you appreciate how much work goes into making a decent pie?

If the best things in life are free, why do Segways cost $8,000? Clearly whoever coined that phrase has different perceptions of which things in life are the best.

The pen is supposedly mightier than the sword, but guys with swords get a lot more chicks than guys with pens.

I've often been advised to"Be careful what you wish for, it may come true..." That's why I'm so careful to always wish for a Segway personal transporter.

Hard Times at Dollar Tree

2008-05-22T14:45:00.000-07:00

Several months ago for Jessica's birthday my mother decided to get her a gift that would leave a lasting impression, so she went to Dollar Tree (of course) and picked out a lovely 19" teddy bear. Full success. We were all impressed, and we felt that 19 inches worth of bear was a great value for one dollar.

The other day we went to Dollar Tree, and I was surprised to see that these days a dollar only gets you 18 inches of teddy bear. Now I recognize that the economy is going through some hard times, but come on Dollar Tree--a whole inch!? Could the price of batting and fake fur materials really have increased that much? Or is it the cost of shipping that extra inch of bear that's straining Dollar Tree's budget?

I like to remain optimistic and believe that Dollar Tree has replaced the 19" bear with the 18" bear temporarily to generate interest and excitement for the return of the 19" bear.

From the Markive

2008-05-17T18:16:00.000-07:00

Here's a little piece I wrote for a Utah Valley publication called "Square Magazine." Horoscopes from the archive...or markoscopes from the markive.

Aquarius -

January 20-February 18 – This week you will find Enduring Love. By “enduring” I mean “fleeting,” and by “love” I mean “lust.” The term “week” should also be loosely interpreted.

-Lucky Number: 1-800-ITT-TECH

Pisces -

February 19-March 20 – Hygiene is not your strongpoint. Fortunately for you there is a special person out there somewhere who, as a result of a science experiment gone awry, has no sense of smell.

-Lucky Color: brownish-gold

Aries -

March 21-April 19 – Your mother will assure you that you’re the best looking guy/girl she knows. Backed by this self-esteem booster, the world is your oyster.

-Lucky Beverage: protein shakes

Taurus -

April 20-May 20 – You lack any real focus or drive in life, but you are getting pretty good at video games. This may or may not prove to be beneficial later in life.

-Lucky Bird of Prey: the falcon

Gemini -

May 21-June 21 – Sometimes it is better to just bottle up your hatred, rather than telling people how you really feel about them. Someday you’ll need help moving, and it will really pay off to have all those phony friends.

-Lucky Facial Hair: sideburns

Cancer -

June 22-July 22 – You will learn the hard way that when the label on the box of the board game says “Ages 9-99,” that’s exactly what it means. It will take some time for your great-grandmother to forgive you.

-Lucky Defense Method: roundhouse kick

Leo -

July 23-August 22 – You will experience overwhelming success with grammatically incorrect pick-up line, “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.” Careful utilization of this line will open doors in many aspects of your life, including relationships, business interactions, and athletics.

-Lucky Element: bromine

Virgo -

August 23-September 22 – You’ll get some pretty good advice from a fortune cookie.

-Lucky Piece of Legislation: S.B. 113-Rural Dentist Student Loan Repayment Assistance Bill

Libra -

September 23-October 22 – Your often overlooked and underappreciated 45-inch vertical leap will finally earn you the recognition you deserve when Fox begins production of it’s newest and most radical reality show yet, “American Vertical Leap Champion.”

Lucky Aroma: apple-spice

Scorpio -

October 23 - November 21 – A frivolous lawsuit is coming your way. The good news is that you will be appearing on the TV court program “Eye for an Eye.” The bad news is that Judge Extreme Akim will rule in favor of the defendant, and give him legal permission to run over your feet with his minivan.

Lucky Symptom: indigestion

Sagittarius -

November 22-December 21 – A variety of things will take place, some of them good, some of bad. Some stuff may change as a result of these things. You will also be disappointed by a very vague horoscope.

-Lucky Vital Organ: liver

Capricorn -

December 22-January 19 – Your double life has gone on too long, and people are starting to get hurt. It’s time for you to come clean and admit to your manager at UPS that you have been working nights at FedEx. You should probably also stop cheating on your boyfriend/girlfriend.

Lucky Combination: shorts and black socks

Homemaker Tips: Homestyle Trail Mix

2008-04-25T14:44:00.000-07:00

Here's a recipe for a homemade trail mix that'll stimulate your taste buds and give you a much needed energy kick: 1 part Hot Tamales, 1 part Frosted Animal Crackers, 2 parts Mambas, 5 parts Wheat Thins. Enjoy!

Photo Phun: Dollar Tree

2008-03-03T10:47:00.000-08:00

"...Well, I'm actually looking for a 5.25 inch Fairy, but I guess this will have to do..."

Photo Phun: Dollar Tree

2008-02-29T14:07:00.000-08:00

Some people are much more excited about ponchos than others.

Love Fax

2008-02-21T16:15:00.000-08:00

Do you remember the good-old-days when lovers would send love faxes back and forth to each other all night long?

Brittle Things.

2008-01-08T14:06:00.000-08:00

When it comes to brittle things, my favorite's gotta be peanut brittle. Easy.

The Best!

2008-01-02T12:15:00.000-08:00

Grandparents = Good
Great grandparents = Better
Great great grandparents = Best!

Christmas Is a Time of Giving

2007-12-18T14:14:00.000-08:00

A lot of people these days like to give gift cards instead of actually picking-out a present for their friends or family members. Other people just give them money. I like to go a step further and give them a job. That way they get to decide exactly how much they want to work, which, in turn, dictates the amount of money they earn and can spend on their "present" from me. Then they can go out to whatever store they like and buy any present they can afford.

HotJulius!

2007-12-10T23:14:00.000-08:00

Orange Julius sales must drop during the winter months. I mean, It's cold outside, and nobody wants an icy orange drink. Here's a million dollar idea: HotJulius! It's hot, it's fragrant, it's HotJulius!

I'm Lovin' It!

2007-11-30T20:55:00.000-08:00

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a McNugget?

Sounds Practical

2007-07-05T13:12:00.000-07:00

If someone were to develop some sort of harmonica-powered home appliance, I think we would definitely all consider it to be a positive technological development.

The Classy

2007-07-02T18:32:00.000-07:00

If a pair of short pants can just be called "shorts," why don't we call long pants "longs"? And for that matter, why don't we call the cumberbund "the classy"?

Meow Don't Get It.

2007-06-06T08:41:00.000-07:00

I guess my biggest criticism of the Land of Make-Believe is that it could only represent the imaginary world of an insane person. How can "meow" mean "I," "cantaloupe," and "holiday" in the same paragraph? That's just plain crazy.

2007-04-26T21:49:00.000-07:00

I bet people attempted much wilder stunts before Newton came along with his "laws" of gravity.

The Crowd Goes Wild

2007-04-20T22:45:00.000-07:00

As the curtains were drawn and the band came out on the stage, the fans began to scream, but not so much because they loved the band, but rather because somebody had released thousands of poisonous snakes into the crowd.

Open For Suggestions

2007-04-20T22:32:00.000-07:00

When you think about it, a mountain is really nothing more than a “mountain” of rock and dirt; so I guess the name is pretty fitting...but at the same time I think we should keep an open mind about it, just in case somebody comes along with a better name.

The Miracle of Modern Science

2007-04-11T21:53:00.000-07:00

I'm excited for them to figure out cloning. I would get a clone of myself, then i would finally get the chance to meet my match at fist-fighting.

Your Life is Easy

2007-04-04T20:32:00.000-07:00

I think the worst trial ever would be if you were a pioneer and you got a bad haircut, and then found out that you had cholera, and then your oxen caught on fire and died—all in the same day!

The Greatest Thing

2007-01-07T01:18:00.000-08:00

I think the greatest thing before sliced bread was probably the catapult.

Post-Thanksgiving Depression

2006-12-26T23:46:00.000-08:00

There should be a holiday to fill that void between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Choose the Best Answer

2006-12-22T02:11:00.000-08:00

I think if one of the selections for a multiple-choice question were "police brutality," people wouldn't choose it, even if it were the right answer.

Thumbs Up For Evolution

2006-12-22T01:03:00.000-08:00

I've never really met anybody who felt that opposable thumbs were a burden; so I guess I would be comfortable saying, "Evolution: so far, so good."

Perspective

2006-12-16T00:20:00.000-08:00

If being kicked in the groin by a burly man wearing steel-toed boots is the worst thing that happens to you today, consider yourself lucky. If it happens again tomorrow, your luck may be wearing thin.

Rule #14

2006-12-12T19:36:00.000-08:00

Anybody who shows up at book club wearing nothing but some sort of outfit made of fresh-baked bread shall be promptly--albeit politely--asked not to come back.

We Won't Forget You Grandpa

2006-12-10T21:41:00.000-08:00

The one thing I remember most about Grandpa is his anger. Nobody got angry quite like Grandpa did.

Speaking of Basketball...

2006-12-08T17:34:00.000-08:00

That's Democracy Alright

2006-12-08T17:18:00.000-08:00

I think the three major challenges facing politicians today are: 1.The high cost of running a successful campaign, 2.Appealing to all voter demographics, and 3.Finding time for pick-up basketball games.

Quality Programming

2006-12-05T22:55:00.000-08:00

They other day I was watching TV when it struck me: "Hey, this isn't TV I'm watching; it's a tapestry!" After a while the tapestry got boring, so I turned it off.

Ho Ho H@#!%

2006-12-05T17:47:00.000-08:00

There should be a Christmas carol about Santa's extensive use of profanity.

Take a Stand For Coolness

2006-11-29T21:07:00.000-08:00

There are two kinds of people in this crazy world of ours: issuers of nosebleeds and recipients of nosebleeds. Which side are you on?

A Formidable Opponent

2006-11-28T23:46:00.000-08:00

It's dangerous to play truth or dare with a hobo because there's always that chance that he'll "dare" you to go buy him a bunch of food, and then you'll have to do it because you don't want to look like a sissy.

Mmm...that's fresh

2006-11-28T23:34:00.000-08:00

I think there should be a car air freshener engineered exclusively for wealthy people. The fragrance would be called "The Good Life," and it would smell like success.

Downside

2006-11-28T23:25:00.000-08:00

Somehow I get the feeling that there's a downside to being a rodeo clown that I'm just not seeing.

I Ain't Got Time for That

2006-11-20T19:32:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to travel back in time and make some small change that would completely alter the future? I haven't. I'm a busy man.

Dream Big

2006-11-15T23:48:00.000-08:00

All the other children used to make fun of Darryl for believing that he would someday become the first female president of the United States, but he didn't let it bother him. Darryl knew what he wanted, and nothing in the world was going to stop him from getting it.

I ran into Darryl the other day. He's still working in the men's wear department at Sears. In the end, I think we were right to make fun of him.

Chinese Proverb

2006-11-14T17:42:00.000-08:00

There should be an old Chinese proverb that goes "Chickens a hatchin', shoot for the moon." It would be good for inspirational posters and greeting cards.

A Helpful Tip

2006-11-08T21:13:00.000-08:00

An important thing to check-out when buying a car is whether it goes off jumps well. That is, of course, assuming you like going off jumps.

Can't Wait to Get Those Hanes On Me

2006-11-04T09:56:00.000-08:00

I wish I could have been a fly on the wall at that monumental Hanes marketing meeting when some advertising genius said, "Hey, how 'bout we team up Kevin Bacon and Michael Jordan?" The combination was so natural that I assume all present hit themselves on the forehead and said "Why didn't we think of that before?"

The Future of Athleticism

2006-10-30T19:28:00.000-08:00

The problem with many of today's top athletes is that they fail to recognize that some robots are getting pretty good at sports.