From the Markive

Here's a little piece I wrote for a Utah Valley publication called "Square Magazine." Horoscopes from the archive...or markoscopes from the markive.

Aquarius -

January 20-February 18 – This week you will find Enduring Love. By “enduring” I mean “fleeting,” and by “love” I mean “lust.” The term “week” should also be loosely interpreted.

-Lucky Number: 1-800-ITT-TECH

Pisces -

February 19-March 20 – Hygiene is not your strongpoint. Fortunately for you there is a special person out there somewhere who, as a result of a science experiment gone awry, has no sense of smell.

-Lucky Color: brownish-gold

Aries -

March 21-April 19 – Your mother will assure you that you’re the best looking guy/girl she knows. Backed by this self-esteem booster, the world is your oyster.

-Lucky Beverage: protein shakes

Taurus -

April 20-May 20 – You lack any real focus or drive in life, but you are getting pretty good at video games. This may or may not prove to be beneficial later in life.

-Lucky Bird of Prey: the falcon

Gemini -

May 21-June 21 – Sometimes it is better to just bottle up your hatred, rather than telling people how you really feel about them. Someday you’ll need help moving, and it will really pay off to have all those phony friends.

-Lucky Facial Hair: sideburns

Cancer -

June 22-July 22 – You will learn the hard way that when the label on the box of the board game says “Ages 9-99,” that’s exactly what it means. It will take some time for your great-grandmother to forgive you.

-Lucky Defense Method: roundhouse kick

Leo -

July 23-August 22 – You will experience overwhelming success with grammatically incorrect pick-up line, “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.” Careful utilization of this line will open doors in many aspects of your life, including relationships, business interactions, and athletics.

-Lucky Element: bromine

Virgo -

August 23-September 22 – You’ll get some pretty good advice from a fortune cookie.

-Lucky Piece of Legislation: S.B. 113-Rural Dentist Student Loan Repayment Assistance Bill

Libra -

September 23-October 22 – Your often overlooked and underappreciated 45-inch vertical leap will finally earn you the recognition you deserve when Fox begins production of it’s newest and most radical reality show yet, “American Vertical Leap Champion.”

Lucky Aroma: apple-spice

Scorpio -

October 23 - November 21 – A frivolous lawsuit is coming your way. The good news is that you will be appearing on the TV court program “Eye for an Eye.” The bad news is that Judge Extreme Akim will rule in favor of the defendant, and give him legal permission to run over your feet with his minivan.

Lucky Symptom: indigestion

Sagittarius -

November 22-December 21 – A variety of things will take place, some of them good, some of bad. Some stuff may change as a result of these things. You will also be disappointed by a very vague horoscope.

-Lucky Vital Organ: liver

Capricorn -

December 22-January 19 – Your double life has gone on too long, and people are starting to get hurt. It’s time for you to come clean and admit to your manager at UPS that you have been working nights at FedEx. You should probably also stop cheating on your boyfriend/girlfriend.

Lucky Combination: shorts and black socks