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Bus Rules

You're not allowed to eat, drink or smoke on the bus. Judging by the smell though, peeing on the bus is just fine.

Thank Heaven for Disclaimers

The picture on the carton of ice cream indicated that the ice cream would be in perfectly round scoops inside a white bowl. To my surprise, when I opened the carton this was not the case. I was about to call and complain when I saw the disclaimer on the carton that the round scoops and the white bowl were just a "serving suggestion." That calmed me right down.

Retire Often

I always tell people that I plan to retire at 40. By that I mean I plan to "re-tire" my car after 40,000 miles. It's not a very ambitious goal, but it promotes safety and minimizes wear-and-tear.

Deception in the Film Industry

Romantic comedies would have you believe that 99% of Americans are architects, journalists, book publishers, or advertising agents. This is deceiving--the true number of Americans with these jobs is only about 96%. Also, the idea of a kooky best friend is just not realistic. Most people's best friends are pretty normal.

Ample Jacks

I'm going to create a breakfast cereal called "Ample Jacks." They will compete with Apple Jacks in quantitative terms.

This Product Should Not Exist

There are hundreds of reasons why this product should not exist. The most glaring one: if you see this in the store and you can actually think of somebody who needs it, maybe that person shouldn't be driving anymore.

Contents:
1 yellow crayon
1 6-foot measuring tape
1 pen
1 "Protocol" brand disposable camera (with flash)
1 nylon carrying case

"In the event of an accident, you can entertain yourself while you wait for the police by drawing pictures with the crayon, measuring your biceps, and taking fun pictures of you and your victim which you can later develop at your own expense! Don't forget to get double prints for the victim's family!"

*Afterthought: Maybe this product is designed to help you get into accidents?

For Adam

Came across this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity in Portland. Unfortunately I didn't have any pennies at the time. (By the way, Oregon doesn't have sales tax. That means if you only have 100 bucks to spend on pogs, you get exactly 10,000 pogs.)

Also, for the observant reader, one of these things is not a pog. Try to guess which one it is.